As of 2009, this hot, hot, hot bitch with tits way smaller than yours or mine is ranked #1 on Maxim magazine’s Hot 100. Do any House fans remember the good doctor calling her the hottest woman in the world? Well.
Oh right. And then a prince married her. Seriously.
#2 Kiera Knightly
Sexiest Woman in the World according to FHM, 2004. Honestly, I found so many ‘Sexiest of..’ lists for this girl that it was unbelievable, including #9 on Maxim’s Hot 100 in 2004 as well. And the year earlier had been cast in Pirates of the Caribbean as the best candidate to match the hotness of, oh, Johnny Depp. Mmmff.
#3 Natalie Portman
One of Life magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People in 2002. Not to mention she’s basically everywhere all the time now.
My favorite thing about this waifish beauty though has more to do with an insanely handsome blue eyed, blonde haired, tall and muscled housemate I had in college. This perfectly chiseled porn-loving beer-drinking quintessential ‘dude’ used to always tell me to grow some tits when we’d joke around. And he wanted to ravage Natalie Portman’s petite frame until there was nothing left. (I ended up finding out a few years after college that Ms. Portman was not missing out on much, but I digress..)
#4 Kate Hudson
She won an oscar for Almost Famous where she played the girl Billy Crudup couldn’t stop fucking and a teenage boy became obsessed with in a way that made me uncomfortable.
Furthermore, didn’t Owen Wilson try to kill himself for her?
#5 Paris Hilton
Sure, she’s a famous heiress who has, possibly, pushed the feminist cause back a number of years. But what can I say, I think she’s sexy. And according to millions of internet nerds and, well, every guy I’ve ever spoken with, I’m not alone. I think my favorite line about her was actually from a client of mine – ‘she has those perfect champagne glass shaped ones…’
#6 Gywneth Paltrow
Bla bla bla, she won an Oscar, but come on, this woman was engaged to Brad Pitt. Period. Which brings us onto our next winner.
#7 Cate Blanchett
Not once, but twice now she has been cast as the sexy love interest/wife of Mr. Brad Pitt. But mostly, I dig her from Notes on a Scandal. Kill me, but it was kind of a hot movie.
#8 Katrina Bowden
Uh, yea. You know the woman from 30 Rock whose entire character is being the sexiest woman in the entire world?
#9 Gwen Stefani
I remember the fateful day in highschool when I heard on the radio that my one rockstar crush, Gavin Rossdale, was apparently set to marry this girl with what I considered a stupid band with a stupid name. Yes, I thought this while being a huge fan of Bush. I have no excuse. The point is, as silly as it all was, at 14 I was filled with jealousy over this woman for being with the dreamboat who had totally looked in my vague direction when daddy got me tickets for his concert. Well, well, well.. it looks like Gwen and I were packing the same set all along…
#10 Julia Stiles
One of People magazine’s 50 most beautiful people in 2001. Moreso I got a little crush on her when as a teenager.
#11 Milla Jovovich
#12 Charlize Theron
I was shocked when I saw this photo. Maybe it was because of all the extra weight in Monster, but I’ve always thought that Charlize had one of those Selma Hayek body types. Other than Monster, has this woman ever played anyone other than OMFG THE HOTTEST WOMAN ON EARTH?
I miss Arrested Development :(
#13 Zoe Saldana
Thank you Johnny Depp, for falling so head over heels for her back in the silicone obsessed 90's, so that I knew there were gorgeous men for the rest of us.